hi. this was supposed to be written on the 20th, but i got busy.
so, the 20th was a couple anniversaries. for some, 4/20 was for their stoner selves & other pieces of shit to go smoke weed & whatever. for some it was just another day. neo-nazis celebrated hitler's birthday. but SOME of u know it as the day certain invididuals did certain things in their high school in colorado in 1999. that's what i wanted to write about, specifically my opinions on the individuals themselves, as well as ppl who idolize them.
incase the above paragraph flew over ur head, here is what im referring to.
first, i guess i should state that i dont harbor this extreme hatred for eric & dylan, nor do i adore them. i think its fine for someone like me to understand what they were going through & what they felt regarding society, their families, etc. without viewing their actions on the 20th as good. eric & dylan were also victims on that day, but its important to note that the reasons they were victims differ from the reasons the 13 who were murdered were victims. i think that idolizing them, having romantic, sexual or otherwise feelings towards them is abhorrent. first of all, dylan himself was a minor at the time, so if ur above 18, thats pretty fucking pedophilic. secondly, i wouldn't wanna be the one who idolized ppl that called racial minorities slurs & drew swastikas in their notebooks & shit, thats just me tho. also considering im literally a fag & a tranny, both would despise me, so why would i look up to them?
no hate to those that are into true crime, or into this case specifically. i am too, ive watched hours of content regarding this case & i even have all of eric's DOOM wads downloaded. there's a difference between interest ( me ), & idolization ( u fuckers ) tho.
so, im unemployed now.
not really pissed abt the fact that i dont have a job, more pissed that i lost my way of getting alcohol. fucking stupid ass whores took that away from me. now ill have to resort to mixing those shitty ass beers in my dads fridge with juice & hope that works, or drinking my mom's mid ass fucking wine. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! all of those STUPID FUCKING BITCHES need to be fucking shot i swear. hated working there, but atleast i could get something out of it.
honestly, i need to be shot too. so fucking tired of living. i cant tell if living makes me despair or pissed anymore, maybe its both. im so full of fucking rage & anger but also a deep sadness & despair at the same time. either way, i need to end this shit ASAP. there's not really a point in me staying around, its not like i have a future going for me or anything. good for all of u fucks who have one, but dont apply that shit to me.
"oh, life may suck right now, but it'll get better!" well im too fucking impatient, so thats too fucking bad then i guess. "maybe u should see a therapist" & do fucking what, be drugged? no fucking thanks, im not some druggie like the rest of u retards. "omg u HAVE to try this weed bro!!" "u HAVE to try this & that" how abt u fucking kill urself already? alcohol might be a drug, in which case that makes me a hypocrite. oh fucking well, its fine when i do it. im not gonna be smoking weed or doing whatever wild combinations of substances u stupid fuckers do just so u can briefly escape the torture of life, ill just blow my fucking head off & PERMANENTLY escape it. while im on the topic of stupid bitches, u fuckers that constantly have sex are retarded as well. once dated someone who slept around & somehow convinced me to let it happen. NEVER. AGAIN! thankfully for her it was a long distance online relationship, otherwise she would've gotten fucked over via a murder suicide. fucking hated every second of that relationship, but i endured hoping that eventually it'd work out & we'd be fine. now im actually in a fucking healthy relationship.
everytime im around him, its like everything melts away, all my anger, all my sadness, all my worries. just pure bliss. i NEED that more often. its been months but im still super in love with him & i think that he could fix me, he could cure me. im something as long as i have him.
hate
im so full of it, towards society, towards myself. its justified tho. ik cis ppl will read my prev entries & this one & be like "omg ur so deranged!!" & maybe i am, but u also haven't been condemned by every aspect of society for simply existing. other trans ppl might agree with the sentiment that im just some deranged psycho & whatnot, & honestly, go fuck urself if u think that. im not here to bow down to cis society. u passoid pieces of shit can go burn in hell with the rest of those cissies. "omg i HAVE to assimilate & be as cis as possible" FUCK UUUUU!!! they'll never fucking accept u anyways, once a trans person, always a trans person. u can get all the goddamn surgeries u want, u can vote for those dementia ridden pieces of shit that say they'll protect ur rights, u can do all of that. ur still worthless in the eyes of cis ppl, & ykw? ur worthless to me as well. if anything, id WELCOME those fucking fascists in goverment to make ur life miserable, passoids fucking deserve it.
fuck ur politics & FUCK U! the fuck happened to the stonewall ppl? what happened to us not taking shit from cishets? are u fuckers just too big of pussies to fucking stand up for anything? fucking spineless pieces of shit who want to submit to the demands of cishets instead of forging their own paths. FUCK THAT!! im forging my OWN GODDAMN PATH & the rest of u can fucking deal with it. my path involves me taking myself out of this miserable fucking hellhole. a "Hell on Earth" u could say ;3. i guess that solves it tho, society hates me, i hate society, so ill have my brain matter on the wall & society will move on without me, good fucking riddance! im nothing to fucking adore or love anyways. some of u might know me irl, i doubt it tho, ive only told one of my friends abt this site. although with how many times i change the goddamn website name, he prob doesnt have access to this anyways.
i dont want anyone to get the wrong impression. if ur someone online & ur reading this, u prob think this is how i act all the time, it really isnt. this is simply an online vent page, of FUCKING COURSE its gonna be negative & brooding & whatever else. i wouldnt say this is the "real" me, rather this is just the negative me. my relationships, online & off, platonic & romantic ( just one, im not fucking poly like all u fuckers are ), are filled with positivity bc ill be damned if i make my friends & partner feel as miserable as i make myself feel. i just need somewhere to release my negative self & this is that.
maybe ill spinkle in more of my other side here, just to let ppl see it, so that way they have an accurate perception of me. or maybe u just dont fucking care & are here for the misery, idk. to conclude:
heya. this will be a shorter entry essentially laying out what i have planned for this new multi-level WAD ( mentioned in the topbar ).
firstly, the name. this wad will be known as "Tier", in reference to my favorite song of the same name ( by Rammstein ).
secondly, Tier will have 6-10 normal levels, as well as 2 secret levels, putting the total number of levels between 8-12. These levels will be seperated into equal parts, so how many parts Tier has depends on how many levels it ends up having. at the end of each part, a transition screen will show up to explain what the next part will be like, and a final screen at the end, similar to the one in Outpost.
speaking of Outpost, it will be removed from this website once Tier is finished & uploaded. The reason being its fucking awful & it was mostly made as a test wad for certain codes & other stuff, & Tier is the result of that test, a polished, final product of Outpost.
each level will also contain 3 secrets within it, so be on the lookout for that!
as for development, as of writing this, ive finished map01 & started on map02. thats all for now tho.
technically im writing this around 11:50 pm on april 8th, but fuck it, close enough.
anyways, im so fucking tired of life, its always the same bs & no end. i couldn't even see the eclipse bc of rainy weather, fucking hell. next time something like this happens, im going up to heaven & shooting god, DOOM style.
honestly, sometimes i feel like i wasnt SUPPOSED to live, like maybe the reason my life is the way it is is because i wasn't even supposed to experience all this in the first place. its abt time i blew my head off anyways, so i guess it wont matter how shit my life is soon. i can already see how it'll pan out. someone walks in, sees my corpse, & is all like "omg!!! we had no idea she would do this!!" like yes u fucking did, u've seen all the physical journals i had, u've seen what i wrote, dont fucking act like u didnt. not to mention my parents decided to have me at 18 & 19 years old. i am 100% not ready to have kids & im 18, wtf?? i dont want children anyways, i dont need to inflict the same shit on them.
& then eventually someone will find this website after im gone & read through all of this, & they'll be like "omg she was such a cringe edgelord!! her life didnt suck, what about children in the middle east, blah blah blah" & if ur that person, ur prob cis & if so, email me ur location so i can bring u with me to hell, stupid bitch. if ur not cis, then whatever i guess, have whatever opinion of me u wanna have, it wont matter. i might be an edgelord, or i guess edgelady, & all of this is just walls of cringe. thats fine, nobody asked for u to read this anyways, this isnt for u, its for me. if u dont care abt me or think im cringe, then dont be here, go download the wads & leave lol. i thought abt buying a camera & recording videos to upload on this site, incase someone wanted to see how my day-to-day is. youtube's too corporate, real anti-capitalists make websites & put their videos there. communism's dumb too btw, i dont care enough abt u fuckers to wanna "seize the means of production" or whatever, yall can get fucked over, thats cool with me. unless ur someone i like, in which case i guess its cool.
going back to my death tho, when i do die, id like to be turned to ash. i dont want physical remains of me to exist, which is why id also like to be thrown into some lake or something, idc where, just somewhere i can dissolve. also, any photos or videos of me, besides ones that might be on this website, should be deleted / burned / destroyed. only i get to control what remains of me on this planet, ill come back to haunt u bitches if u dont destroy them. also, if this website ends up getting taken down for whatever reason after i die, atleast archive it first, im sure someone would want a copy available for whatever reason, dont be an asshole. as for my physical possessions, destroy the laptop i have & my phone. i mean ALL OF IT. that data needs to be destroyed bc its also remnants of me.
also, burn my blahaj ( yes, im a stereotype, fuck u gonna do abt it? ) & mix her with my own ashes so that we may be one. as for my other stuffed animals, idc, sell em, give them to siblings, whatever. the blahaj MUST die with me tho, I COMMAND IT! as for my collection of books, place them in a time capsule set to be open in the next century, the bibles too. i want them to be preserved for whoever needs them in that time period.
also i just realized this reads like a suicide note. im fine, im not shooting myself after this entry is posted, ill be here to respond to emails & whatever. i dont even have a gun yet lol
this page needs a lil more positivity, doesn't it? so i'll talk abt the things i like, since most of this has been me ranting abt shit i DONT like.
firstly, i'm a really big fan of the funny incest game, otherwise known as "The Coffin of Andy and Leyley", ever since i bought it a couple weeks back. its honestly a great game. great story, great characters, the incest part isn't even as bad as everyone made it out to be ( not going to specify why, as to avoid spoling it for anyone reading that is currently playing it or wants to ).
secondly, DOOM. i think that's pretty obvious, since this site, in all iterations of it, has been alteast partly dedicated to hosting my very own custom made wads for the game. i prefer the classic ones, DOOM ( 1993 ) & DOOM II ( 1994 ), over the newer ones, but the newer ones aren't bad at all. i just like the ease of modability & the retro look.
thirdly, anime. i haven't watched any animes in a good long while, but i still hold onto my love for 2 specific ones, those being SEL & Angel Beats. lemme tell u i was fucking BAWLING after finishing angel beats, i didn't know i could grow so emotionally attached to characters like that. SEL ive noticed seems to be everyone else's favorite too. I like to go to the website page on neocities & just visit all of those cool websites, newer or older & more estabished, doesn't matter. some of yall make me envy ur skills with html lol. but alot of websites either have a shrine for lain iwakura ( like i plan on having ), or have their entire websites dedicated to her & SEL, which is cool. having a lil lain cyberspace, lainspace maybe, in existence is cool af.
finally, my bf. i dont talk much abt him bc i dont wanna just reveal everything abt someone else to randos on the internet. but i love him more than anything in the world!
thats positive enough, right? oh also, i changed my email address, so sorry to anyone who might've sent something to the old one, it doesn't exist anymore & i dont have it, but the new one is linked on my about me page, aswell as anywhere else that my email is linked on this website.
god i fucking hate people. "omg yugen, u must be a school shooter since u own a trench coat & wear black clothes" i fucking will be if u fuckers dont stfu!!! let me fucking wear what i want in peace. jesus fucking christ, i hate this little fucking town im in, everyone here except my bf & a couple other ppl are fucking neanderthals.
also, graduation is less than a month away. not even rlly happy abt it. not that im happy to be in this god forsaken school, but that i just dont wanna fucking do "community service" that's required for graduation. FUCK THIS COMMUNITY!!! this "community" is a bunch of troglodytes unworthy of my help. im gonna have to hope that i can convince the school ppl to just let me graduate regardless, since the community service is the only thing i dont have, every other requirement is met.
i wonder if it will be super suspicious if i go to the store & buy razor blades... i'll use them for non-shaving purposes, so its not like it would be wrong of them to think something's up, but wtf will they do abt it? im 18 now, they cant force me into a psych ward, & im always careful when i do it anyways. as much as i rant abt & hate other ppl, i despise myself FARRRR more, so the only real violence is inflicted on myself, justifiably so.
my body is awful anyways, tainted by the Y chromosome. an unholy vessel that demons inhabit, replacing what used to be the happier, more innocent yugen. im not even sure what changed, i just started hating shit sometime in middle school.
honestly, im just some edgy tranny on the internet. if anything happens to me and everyone suddenly wants to know why it happened, hopefully this website & therefore this page will be available. that's not gonna happen as long as im in a relationship tho.
For the first time in this diary, im actually kinda happy.
i just got my trench coat delievered to me today, which i had ordered friday. I always thought trench coats were badass & cool, & now i own one :3
idc what anyone says, idc if i look like a school shooter or a nazi or whatever the fuck u wanna call me. u will NOT take the happiness from me now that i have it.
also, saturday i went on my first actual date with my boyfriend. between school & work & just being depressed as shit, i didnt really have time nor energy to go out with him, despite us dating for several months now. but saturday, i finally did & we went to the local library.
we played a game of chess, which i won ( he's still coping abt it to this day ), and collected these gospel pamphlets some bitch left around the shelves.
honestly i hate religious people. i have respect for the beauty of christianity & the stories involved with it, like the ark & allat, but GOOD LORD do i fucking hate christians. we should crucify all those fucking fundamentalists & smash their fucking chests in with hammers.
thats all for now, i guess ill update this shit if i need to add anything. yugen out!
I hate how schools & shit do suicide awareness.
yesterday, my school had the teachers in 1st block / period / whatever u wanna call it play this video from the jason foundation i believe abt signs of ppl who are about to commit suicide.
the problem i have isnt that they did this, but rather the fact that its hypocritical for them to do so.
"omg guys we care abt ur mental health!!!" meanwhile u'll be dragged off to a psych ward the moment u tell them anything.
oh fucking well i guess, not like mental health professionals are any fucking good anyways. "here, take some drugs to forget abt ur problems instead of fixing them" ill just fucking shoot myself like ive wanted to for years! who the fuck are YOU to act like some fucking "professional" but all u do is hand out drugs? natural selection, fuckers should just be killed.
i dont want any fucking help anyways, it doesn't do any good. i've heard all the standard "omg don't kill urself!!" shit anyways, its all guilt-tripping bs.
"omg ur parents would be sad!" I FUCKING HOPE THEY ARE. MAYBE THEY'LL FUCKING LEARN HOW TO RAISE SOMEONE RIGHT WHEN THEY FIND MY FUCKING BRAIN MATTER ON THE WALL!
"ur friends would be sad!" not really. even if they are, they can just replace me lol. friendships / relationships are just finite, i dont offer anything special.
"ur pets would be sad!" oh fucking well? as much as i love my cats, they're fucking animals. they wont even fucking know i died, ill just disappear one day & they'll move on.
those are just the ones i could think of off the top of my head, but its always other ppl's feelings that ppl talk abt. what abt MY FUCKING FEELINGS? its always "x will be sad!, y will be devestated!" but nobody ever considers why i might fucking wanna do what i wanna do. its never MY feelings, its always other ppl. FUCK OTHER PPL'S FEELINGS! ILL FUCKING KILL THEM TOO IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING CONCERNED ABT THEM! MAYBE ILL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR NOT CONSIDERING MY FEELINGS, HOW ABOUT THAT?
i better not get any shit abt this either. if i get motherfuckers at my door talking abt "ur making threats towards urself & others" ill find out who did it & i will blow u up, & it will be cool.
it's all jokes & in minecraft i guess, thats it for now tho.
yugen, signing out.
Hey, its been a while, hasnt it?
i've been busy with school & stuff, so i haven't had much time to work on anything or post here, but here i am.
my birthday was on the 25th, i am now 18 unfortunately. My boyfriend gave me this jar of dirt & crystals he had around, as well as a flower he made. ( ikr, for how much of a self-loathing asshole i am, i guess im pretty charismatic? atleast enough for romantic shit. )
the past couple of days were spent mostly with family. As much as i fucking hate them, they wanted to celebrate my birth & so its whatever. I've also started writing in a physical diary, rather than exlusively online like i was during the time of the last entry.
im not gonna upload those here, they're separate for a reason lol, but i'll keep up with this diary. Sometimes I wonder if anyone's actually reading these.
i mean, there's no reason to. My main inspiration for starting this was seeing other ppl dedicate parts or all of their websites to blogging. Those ppl had so much more interesing lives & things to say though. I'm just a mentally ill transfem, which isn't special, we all are. I guess this is a public website, so even if nobody is following the neocities profile directly, they're still going on this website.
idk, im not writing this for anyone, but since this is public, i wonder if anyone is actually here reading all of this rn.
hey, maybe if u are reading this & u think im interesting or something, u can email me. I have a discord, but thats more meant for ppl im closer with. im always happy to talk to ppl over email tho!
that's really it for now tho. i'll try to keep up with this more, i promise.
yugen, signing out.
i've never understood why us trans ppl are so hated by society. & i dont wanna hear cis "allies" start acting like they're different, they arent.
i hate cis "allies" more than i do transphobic cis ppl. well, i say that like they're different, they're really the same. the only real difference is that cis "allies" only pretend to tolerate us. its something i dont think many ppl can grasp. imagine not only experiencing severe dysphoria over all kinds of things abt ur body, leading to u hating urself, but ALL OF SOCIETY hates u too. not only that, there's this group of cis ppl who claim to be on ur side, but always end up perpetuating transphobia & shitting on ur existence behind ur back.
its really just us that we can safely rely on, & yet we're such a small minority that the chances of a trans person finding another trans person nearby is slim. hell, even other motherfuckers in the LGBTQ community hate us too, they have their own organizations like "gays against groomers" & "LGB alliance" now. if society hates me so much for simply existing, then its mutual. i hate every motherfucker who set up this system & i hate every one of u that perpetuate it. there's no reason for me to love society or participate in it. society is only good for us to burn it down & make sure everyone who perpectuated it doesn't escape the fire.
i dont even ask for much, i just want HRT & the freedom to live. thats it. but NOOOO, dont let the weird tranny freak just be herself & live without being fucking hated just for breathing. i did nothing to any of u, all i ask is to be referred to the NAME I CHOSE, with the PRONOUNS I CHOSE, to be allowed to transition & to be left the fuck alone, but thats too much to ask for apparently. we're only good to be a statistic for transphobes to cheer on & cis "allies" to pretend to be saddened by, but also cheer it on behind closed doors.
i didn't choose this, i really didnt. if being trans was a choice to make, i would never in a million years chose to live a life as miserable as this. its so draining to constantly be hated by EVERYONE bc u just wanna transition & not be the gender u were born as.
hiya. this is my first entry on here i guess, or rather the 3rd. i originally had a similar page like this on the original website, but obvi i've since spiced things up a bit & i deleted that page & therefore the 2 posts i made prior to today.
so technically, this is the first entry on Gothic99's diary page, but 3rd overall post i've made to a diary-like page.
i hope this new design is nice, im kind of perfectionist when it comes to things i create, i can never actually create anything thats good to me, there's always something wrong with it, something to improve on.
maybe this is a good quality to have? maybe its what pushes me to improve, but it also makes me frustrated & sad when i can never make something that satisfies me. I don't even think the WAD i've posted on here is any good, i just kinda knew that i'd never actually end up having anything on that damn page if i kept thinking abt how bad it is. idk, maybe everyone else thinks its good, i haven't gotten any feedback on it yet tho.
I've always been told that ppl's opinions dont matter & i should just do what makes me happy, but when my opinion on my own creations are so negative, i kinda feel like im my own unreliable narrator. or maybe everything i do make just genuinely does suck & those negative thoughts are right?
this mindset is part of the reason why this website has so many updates rn despite being so new, im constantly adding & removing & adding & removing, trying to make this site be good enough for that voice in my head to stop complaining, but it never does & i dont think it will.
i just hope ppl aren't getting notified everytime i update this site, i'd feel so bad if ppl are constantly getting spammed with notifications like that, i really dont wanna be annoying, especially bc id feel so appreciative that someone liked something on this site enough to follow it.
i try my hardest to not be so annoying, yet it always ends up happening in one way or another, i get attached to someone & then i constantly ramble to them abt random shit or my hyperfixation of the time & eventually ppl just cant take that.
idk, maybe im just this super negative, self-loathing kind of person, & thats understandable, being around someone whose so negative all the time is draining, ive had to endure that before, but maybe im also that same kind of person that others are having to endure.
maybe none of this really matters, & the only reason i care is bc i can see my own flaws better than other ppl can. i wish i could be like other ppl in that way, unable to notice all my flaws & insecurities & therefore being a much more confident & less self-deprecating.
i feel like my mental health is like a rollercoaster, it goes up & i feel great, & then it crashes & i feel awful. i just hope that someday, i can atleast stabilize it instead of having such strong highs & lows, & eliminating the lows entirely.
i feel like this is getting too long now tho. i appreciate u, anonymous reader, for reading this far :3
yugen, signing out.